


My Hero Bares My Side and Sees His Heart

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-07 23:17:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6829303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you know how hard it was not to wrap you up in my embrace and protect you from the vultures?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Hero Bares My Side and Sees His Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is another take on The End (a story I eventually deleted from the archives), because Monica insisted and I felt CJ deserved a better ending. The title is a line from the Dylan Thomas poem My Hero Bares His Nerves.

CJ stood in her room, listening to Babyface on low volume from the CD player alarm clock. She had barricaded herself in the bedroom she had been sharing with Leo. They were not sharing it anymore, hadn't for two days. Not since the Haiti flub and the ostracizing from the Senior Staff. Now she stood over her empty bed, packing her bags. This was the end…there was no going back from this mistake. She chugged the bottle of Pinot Noir, not a good way to drink the wine, but she did not care tonight. No one had come to see if she was alright.

Not Sam, who had himself been disappointed and hurt over the past week. Not Josh, not even Toby, her sometime hero, who never let her fall completely down before picking her up. She had seen her husband some over the course of the past days, but they were currently not speaking to one another. He embarrassed her in front of everyone; made her look like an amateur. And when CJ thought that everything that could happen happened, Leo benched her from most of the meetings and the pressroom. It was over.

CJ sat at the desk and wrote her resignation letter over Lou Gramm singing _Just Between You and Me_. It was simple, _At 5:00 pm, I will resign my position as White House Press Secretary_. She signed her name and left it there while she packed her bags.

"I was looking for you. The door was locked."

"There's a reason for that. How the hell did you get in here?"

"The adjoining bathroom." Leo replied.

CJ would have laughed if it weren't so ridiculous. God, she couldn't do anything right these days.

"What are you doing?" Leo asked.

"Packing. As soon as the speech is over tomorrow I am resigning and getting the hell out of here."

"You think that's going to make everything better?"

"OK, what you don't want to do right now is psychoanalyze me. For two days I have not existed to you."

"That's bullshit."

"Is it? Is you being tired of my unprofessional mistakes bullshit too. Is you telling me this in front of my colleagues bullshit? Is you pushing me out of every meeting, conversation, and thought the past two days bullshit? You haven't even slept with me the past two days."

"I came to talk to you." Leo said.

"Fuck you. Talk to me; did you finally remember that I existed? Bravo Leo, it only took you 48 hours. I am resigning, I am divorcing you, and I am moving back to California."

"What? Divorce? That is absurd."

"Absurd? This whole damn situation is absurd. I feel as if I am trapped in a neverending Kubrick film."

Leo watched as CJ quietly packed her things. She would stop occasionally to chug wine.

"CJ, I made some mistakes and that is what I am here to talk to you about."

"Spare me."

"Sometimes, when things are moving too fast and we are trying to get things done, we are not always on the ball. You dropped it; other members of the team have in the past. That is not what I want to talk to you about. It's not always easy for me to distinguish between us being Chief of Staff and the Press Secretary and Mr. and Mrs. McGarry. I cannot apologize for sitting you out. I can for not being a better husband."

"Don't worry about it…it's a title you won't hold for much longer."

"CJ…"

"Just divorce me Leo. I don't want anything from you but my freedom. I can go to California and start all over again."

"And our vows, they meant nothing. All the promises you made; all the times you told me that you loved me. We have been through the hard times Claudia Jean."

She didn't say anything for a while, closing her suitcase and sitting down on the bed. The wine got another brutal chug.

"If I told you that I hate you, would you divorce me then?" she asked.

"I believe you may have already said that to me once or twice… it hurts like hell but it's not true. I was wrong CJ, as a husband. I should have come to you and been there for you as a shoulder to cry on, and a friend. It is so hard to do that and still be effective in my job CJ. I have to tell you that are wrong and then comfort you. The dichotomy can give anyone a migraine. I am trying…"

"I'm not listening."

"He is not going to let you resign. You helped us get here; we can't do it without you."

"I don't want to hear it. I'm through; it's over. My career in Washington, our marriage, everything."

"I am not leaving you, and I refuse to let you leave me."

"I HATE YOU!" she shouted. "Here, have a drink on me Leo."

She threw the bottle at him. Leo dodged it, covering his face to keep the flying pieces of glass from blinding him.

"You don't love me Leo; your behavior has made that clear. You may have, until I showed you my weaknesses."

"I knew you had weaknesses, why did you think I didn't. You know that I do also. One of them is how much I love you. Do you know how hard it was not to wrap you in my embrace and protect you from the vultures?"

"I'm not listening to you."

She started walking over to the desk. Leo tried to stop her…there was glass all over the floor and she was barefoot.

"I am not under your control anymore. You cannot tell me what to do."

"You're being unreasonable. Please don't walk over that glass and hurt yourself CJ."

She relented, and sat back on the bed.

"I am not divorcing you, and you cannot force me to do so. We will get through this like we get through everything else."

"You left me out there in the cold Leo. I will never forgive you for that. I needed you and you weren't there."

"I am here to apologize to you; I know I was wrong. But you're not listening to me."

"I already told you that. Why don't you just leave me alone?"

"Because you are my wife." He said.

"Not for long." She was beginning to cry, but she sucked it up. She had been crying for two days. "Leave me alone Leo. Please accept what I am saying and let it end."

He stared at her for a few minutes and then sighed loudly.

"CJ?"

"Fuck off Leo!" she screamed, jumping up from the bed. Leo quickly put his hands up, not sure if she was going to start throwing punches. "I am not listening to you anymore. You're an excellent Chief of Staff and a dreadful husband. All of the fears we had before we made the mistake of getting married have all come to fruition. We'll be an exclusive club now…the ex-Mrs. McGarrys. We'll get flags and tee shirts."

"One mistake and you are going to walk away from three years. You know what, to hell with you then."

Leo walked to the door, started moving the heavy chair CJ put under the doorknob.

"You can't talk to me that way." CJ said crying. "I am your wife."

Ah, the breakthrough. Leo turned and looked at her; reverse psychology worked nearly every time.

"Are you? I thought you were intent on divorcing me."

"Don't mock me you bastard." She said through clenched teeth.

"CJ, I need you to understand that I had to bench you. You made a big mistake. Of course, right now a lot of us are flying through the air with no parachute."

"Not you." CJ replied. "You are the fucking cool cucumber as usual."

Leo was just Leo. He had been through so much, all of which CJ knew about. Firefights, near death experience, booze, pills, marriage, divorce, the White House, CJ…this was just another hurdle that they either jumped over or fell over. She wasn't leaving him, he was sure of that. If she didn't leave him when she found the bourbon, she wasn't leaving him now.

"Do you remember when Lillienfield tried to bring me down? You said that you were going to stand by me no matter what, and I am holding you to it."

"Yeah, well you said you'd stand by me too. Looks like you lied."

"I resent that. I love you, and even if you're angry now you know that."

They were quiet again. CJ sat back on the bed, sitting on her feet.

"If you want to resign after the speech, I will not try to stop you. But we have to talk about this divorce."

"I don't want to talk about anything anymore. I am sick to death of talking. We spend so much time doing it and nothing comes of it." CJ replied.

"Fine, we'll make love like we always do at the end of our big fights." He cracked a smile.

"This fight is not over. Get the hell out."

"C'mon baby, at least let me put my arms around you. It feels like a million years since I have."

"Do you even listen to me when I talk Leo?"

"When you are not yelling and being irrational, of course I do. That means I didn't hear much of this conversation."

Leo walked over to the bed, glass crunching under his feet. He sat on the bed, pulling off his shoes and throwing them over to the other side of the room.

"See, now I can't leave. There is too much glass on the floor."

CJ sighed, looking at him.

"You really think we'll get through this?" she asked. "I don't see any light for this Administration or you and I.

"Tomorrow is another day Claudia Jean. No matter what happens to us in our job, I always want you there at the end of the night."

She nodded, though she didn't move any closer to him and she even refused to look at him.

"You don't really hate me, do you?" he asked.

Honestly, he was not sure what her answer was. Emotions were running so high right now…it was not entirely out of the realm of possibility.

"Of course not; I love you so much. I cannot keep doing this though; this damage control. I cannot learn things at the last minute and then try to spin everything. They expect me to sing, dance, spin plates, and solve algorithms. Something's gotta give Leo; I am dying on the inside."

"I know. Come here."

Leo wrapped his arms around her and she let him. She sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. Leo kissed her neck softly, waiting for her to push him away. When she didn't he nibbled her ear. She pulled him closer and whispered in his ear.

"You are not getting off that easy. I am so angry at you. I am blind with hurt and anger and I refuse to let you belittle that with sex."

"You have every right to be, and I am not trying to get off or belittle anything. I am trying to nibble my wife's delicious ear. You do realize you have delicious ears. We're stuck on this bed anyway so I thought we might as well distract ourselves from all the craziness of the past couple of days."

"It may be a while until you see me naked again. This is not even the appropriate forum to have that conversation…it has nothing to do with anything."

"Are you still going to resign after the speech?" he asked.

She pulled away and looked at him. She caressed his cheek, trying to let go of everything except how much she loved him.

"I don't know Leo. I drafted a letter, it's over there on the desk. I am so tired, physically and mentally. Reporters, lawyers, and each other have plagued us. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in months, and we lost Mrs. Landingham. Toby won't talk to me about it; Sam is scared and angry; and Josh thinks he can save the world because his is about to implode. You were supposed to be my safety net, my anchor, and you deserted me. I can't live like that. How can it be OK that the rug is yanked from under me every time I get my bearings?"

He pulled her into his arms again, lying back on the bed.

"I'm here Claudia Jean, and I am not going anywhere. I know that you tried to talk to the First Lady about some of the problems she and the President were having. It reminded me that I was using this work with Bruno to cover up our problems. They are work related, because at home everything is fine…was fine. You are everything to me and you know that. I messed up when I couldn't distinguish you from your job and I want a chance to make that right. I can't do that if you run from me."

"If I resign, will you support me?" she asked.

"Yes. I don't think you'll be happy but if it is what you want then I will support you to the end of the Earth. Still, I think I should at least try to talk you out of it first."

"You're afraid that if we don't work together that our marriage won't work."

"Hell, sometimes I'm afraid that us working together is going to destroy our marriage. Look at our time in Manchester."

CJ nodded, resting her head on his chest. She was so tired, hadn't slept well since the night he told her that Jed Bartlet had MS. Everyone else got it straight from the horse's mouth and CJ got it from his trusted representative. Lack of sleep is what probably led to the gaffe in the first place. The pressroom frequently resembled a zoo, especially since the MS confession. Concentration was important to keeping it all together. Leo rubbed her back and she felt more comfortable than she had since the first time she went into Oliver Babish's office and he split her world open with a pickax.

"Sleep baby, we will deal with tomorrow tomorrow, OK?"

"Don't you have some strategy meetings that I cannot be in on to go to?" she still had the edge of bitterness in her voice but Leo accepted that.

"I don't care about those things right now…hopefully they can make it a couple of hours without killing each other. You are my number one priority in this moment. I don't get to say that enough but I'm saying it now. I'm going to hold you."

"Don't let me go Leo." CJ whispered as she fell asleep. She didn't think it could come that easy but the truth was she was a week or three past exhausted.

"I love you so much Claudia Jean. We're going to make it through this; I promise you. Everything we have is worth fighting for. I can't lose you, now or ever. I hope when the sun rises tomorrow you see the brightness of our future. It may be bleak for a while but we have each other to hold onto during the storm. I won't leave you out there alone again. We…"

"Shut up, I'm trying to sleep." CJ mumbled.

Leo smiled, kissing her forehead before reaching over to turn out the light.

***


End file.
